“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers
“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams
“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” – Douglas Adams
“My mom said I had a ‘chameleon soul,’ no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean.” – Lana Del Rey
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin GOD IS LIKE QUOTES
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles M. Schulz
“I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.” – Edgar Allan Poe
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.” – Unknown
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” – Sharon Stone
“I’m not sure if I lost my mind or I found it and it was broken.” – Unknown
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
“I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravitationally challenged.” – Unknown