HYSTERICALLY FUNNY QUOTES

“I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.” – Unknown

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Unknown

“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked God for forgiveness.” – Unknown

“I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.” – Unknown

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you are signing someone’s cast.” – Demetri Martin

“I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.” – Unknown

“I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown

“I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.” – Unknown

“My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown

“Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.” – Mark Twain

“Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“Sure, I’d love to help you out. Which way did you come in?” – Unknown

“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.” – Milton Berle

“I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” – Unknown APPRECIATE GOOD FRIENDS QUOTES

“If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.” – Unknown

“The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.” – Unknown

“I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.” – Unknown

“Some people say ‘If you can’t beat them, join them’. I say ‘If you can’t beat them, beat them’, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.” – Unknown

“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” – Drake

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

“If a book about failure doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Jerry Seinfeld

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” – Mark Twain

“You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoe and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.” – George Burns

“The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat.” – Ogden Nash

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin

“I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown

“Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.” – Unknown

“I’m not late. I’m just on my own time zone.” – Unknown