FUNNY SEINFELD QUOTES ONE LINERS

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“I was pulled over by a cop. He asks, ‘License and registration, please.’ I say, ‘Isn’t it easier to just call me Mr. Funny?'” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Why do they call it a ‘building’? It looks like they’re done. Why isn’t it a ‘built’?” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I don’t trust my memory. But I remember not trusting it.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“What is the deal with airplane peanuts? Are they from a smaller tree?” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Why are there no B batteries? I mean if they didn’t want to confuse us, wouldn’t they have skipped C and just called it AAB?” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I hate small talk. I wanna talk about atoms, death, aliens, sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of life, the big questions. You know, small talk.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I’m not sayin’ a marriage license should cost $1 million, but it should be at least as hard to get as a fishing license. You know, you oughta have to go for two days, take the blood test, the whole thing.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Some people have a fear of heights. Not me, I have a fear of widths.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“The way they name diseases is so annoying. Parkinson’s disease, Crohn’s disease. I think I have Electron’s disease. Yeah, whenever I’m walking and I see a socket, I have to stick my finger in it.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Why is it whenever something good happens, it’s never going to last, but when something bad happens, it’s going to last forever? – Jerry Seinfeld

“I was going to propose on a hot air balloon ride, but then I thought, ‘What if she says no? We’re stuck up there, we’ve got to ride the airwaves all the way down.'” – Jerry Seinfeld

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I’m so busy, every day I’m like a hummingbird with too much nectar. Just bouncing from flower to flower…to pharmacy.” – Jerry Seinfeld SISTER GOING AWAY QUOTES

“Why do they call it ‘common sense’? It’s not common! If it was, everyone would have it!” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? ‘Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.'” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I’m DVR’ing everything. It’s amazing. If Paul Revere were alive today, he’d be saying, ‘The British are blowing up my phone!'” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I love sports. Whenever I can, I always turn on the TV and watch people drive.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“If you’re not Greg Norman, why are you walking like that?” – Jerry Seinfeld

“The Founding Fathers never said they wanted us to be happy, did they? They said we have the right to pursue happiness. I think achievement is a better pursuit.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“The only difference between a date and a job interview is not many businesses are looking to hire someone who screams ‘I’M UNEMPLOYABLE!'” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Why do they call it ‘rush hour’ when nothing moves?” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Airline travel is hours of boredom interrupted by moments of sheer terror.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoe and wonder, ‘What else can I do while I’m down here?'” – Jerry Seinfeld

“I’ve had enough, I’m tired of being a comedian. I’ve decided after this show, I’m gonna try and be a flutist.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” – Jerry Seinfeld

SISTER GOING AWAY QUOTES