BILLY CONNOLLY BEST QUOTES

“There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.”

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!”

“Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cozy, doesn’t try it on.”

“Marriage is a wonderful invention, but then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”

“Don’t be afraid of death, be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.”

“The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.”

“Do I believe in aliens? Yeah, I do. But only in the sense that somewhere out there, there must be something intelligent going on.”

“If I’m not back in five minutes, wait longer.”

“Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosy… doesn’t try it on.”

“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

“People who ask ‘can I ask you a question?’ Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya sunshine?”

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”

“I’m not frightened of dying – I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

“I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.” FAMOUSE QUOTE

“When something is being funny, funny, funny and suddenly there’s the truth. That’s what people like best.”

“If Jesus is the answer, what is the question?”

“When you’re chewing on life’s gristle, don’t grumble, give a whistle!”

“Never trust anything that can think for itself, if you can’t see where it keeps its brain.”

“I don’t know why I should have thought a bed would look like anything else but a bed, but I did and so I was amazed that the hotel bed sagged in the middle like an old prostitute.”

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

“The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.”

“When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?”

“I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.”

“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.”

“Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cozy, doesn’t try it on.”

“The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.”

“I’m not young enough to know everything.”