BEST MALCOLM TUCKER QUOTES

“I’m not a monster. I’m a cuddly monster, like a Teddy bear with a flamethrower.”

“This is all nose-picking, bogey-flicking, Geordie s***e!”

“Shut it, love actually, before I go nuclear.”

“I’m spinning so fast, I could sit in the corner and redraw the world map.”

“I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a Leonard Cohen song.”

“You better not get food poisoning, because I have specially engineered this menu to give you the trots.”

“You’re a sweaty little s***ebag, aren’t you?”

“I’m the only person in this government who’s allowed to swear, you actual f*****g sprout!”

“I’ve got a BAFTA, I’ve got a knighthood, I can make this s***e screenplay into a halfway decent film!”

“Don’t ever call me ‘Sir’ again. I’ll have your entire family killed. Family is for the weak.”

“You want to hear a rumor? Right, well, I heard Rumpelstiltskin was my dad.”

“If it wasn’t for me, you’d be on the bone train back to Bobsville.” INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT LOVE FOR HIM

“You are so far down your own ass, you’re staring at your own tonsils.”

“Only a complete mentalist would try to cross that bridge with anything other than an amphibious f*****g tank.”

“Jesus tap-dancing Christ on a pogo stick!”

“We’re going to sail this ship right into the teeth of the chlamydia outbreak.”

“I will tear your soul apart like a liberal backbencher sitting on a disposable income bill!”

“You are a f*****g omnishambles, that’s what you are. You’re like that coffee machine, you know. From bean to cup, you f**k up.”

“You’re a bag of f*****g spiders, mate. You’re a headf*** of the highest order.”

“You couldn’t find your own a** with a f*****g road map and a GPS.”

“You’re about as useful as a marzipan dildo.”

“I want to see you slither back into Downing Street faster than a rat up a drainpipe.”

“I swear, I will kill you, I will kill your family, and I will burn your house down.”