BEST JOAN RIVERS QUOTES

“I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.'”

“I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.”

“I don’t excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door – or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.”

“Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late, and you can shop in bed thanks to television.”

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.”

“Never be afraid to laugh at yourself. After all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.”

“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”

“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.” HAPPY AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME QUOTES

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.”

“I’m Jewish, so I was prepared for martyrdom from day one.”

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”

“I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“I tell ya, I’m not a sexy woman. I’m not beautiful. I’m nothing to look at, so the only thing I can do is dress better than anyone else.”

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”

“I’ve learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you’re working with, when the chips are down, it’s all about business.”

“I’m in nobody’s circle. I’ve always been an outsider.”

“I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”